How to Heal from Divorce – A Muslimah’s Perspective

The topic of divorce is no-doubt a traumatic life experience. Within the Muslim community, it remains a taboo subject, one that is usually shoved under the rug. By not acknowledging or discussing it, doesn’t help the one who has faced it to heal. This article looks at a courageous Muslimah’s perspective on how she managed to heal from divorce and how her faith helped her to become stronger.

How to heal from Divorce – Acceptance

If you had told me when I was twenty that I would be a single parent at this stage of my life, I would say, “Not happening. I would die.” When I think back, I’m not even sure if I meant I would die because of how sad I would be – or of how I would face people. Rather pathetic. 

Who gets married thinking it’s not going to work out? After watching all the hit Bollywood movies and Pakistani dramas, I had a vision of what kind of wedding I wanted, down to the details. The bridal henna, amazing cake, stunning dresses, etc. They were all in my head, just like any girl (cake and makeup were high on that list, I should mention. Let’s be honest). 

I wanted to spend my life with someone, and everyone around me was settling down, having kids. Going grocery shopping together, hand in hand, laughing over silly moments, and from being around people who have been married for over ten years, having this conversation night after night:

Her: “What do you want for dinner?”
Him: “I don’t know, what is there?”
Her: “NOTHING.”

I thought that was happening when I got married. I thought I was in this union forever, settled, so my dad doesn’t have to worry about me. Everything we grew up learning, both Islamically and culturally, told me that the girl is taken care of.

I wasn’t asking to be on a throne with a crown (I would’ve taken some of the perks of having a crown, again, just being honest), but someone was responsible for me. I was a ni’mah – a blessing, a gift – to my father, and he was giving me to another. We are all answerable to God, are we not? Why would someone not own that responsibility? 

Unfortunately, the wedding in pictures is rather useless to look at when everything inside the marriage is crumbling. It’s painful, it guts you to your core, when the dreams that should have been fulfilled, everything those pictures and that ring represents, turns out to be more dust than concrete. Not the start of your blissful life, but quite possibly for some, the start of a nightmare.

The things you took for granted – safety, comfort, calm – suddenly aren’t so guaranteed any more. Even to write this is scary. But I’m here and I’m doing it, and I hope it provides some positive outcome to others.

Rock bottom has a basement

Going through a divorce is like mourning a loss. It’s the loss of the life you thought you would have. I spent more moments crying and broken-hearted on the floor of the bathroom, peeling myself off only because I had to than I ever thought possible. I crumbled every few days. Crumbled. Imagine a glass vase. Imagine caring for it with such tenderness. Then imagine someone tossing it off a one-hundred-foot building. That’s what it felt like.

When waking for suhoor during Shahr Ramadhan the year it happened, I would cry instead of eating, just due to the stress of it all. “This can’t be happening; this CANNOT be happening.” During a particularly bad moment, I vividly recall telling my father on the phone, “I’ll jump off the balcony. You’ll all be better off without my troubles.”

Every time I thought it couldn’t get worse – it did. Each setback during the divorce was one more trial I just didn’t have the energy. I would break, rebuild, take care of my little one, and try and function in the real world. 

During those times, all I could think was, “I tried everything to make things work. How was it that the floor was pulled out from under me?” It was like I was falling and was not going to land anywhere. I don’t know how I made it through those moments, except through faith in Allah (shaky a lot of the time, I’ll admit) and family who supported me (often with food) and friends who would lift me and boost my confidence (many times through shopping). 

I received some wise advice at that point, the messy middle when you’re unsure of what’s going on… “Since when are you giving this marriage that much credit, that it’s your floor you would stand on?” Wasn’t I someone before marriage? Or was I so wrapped up in this concept, that I wasn’t a full human being without a spouse? Why did I think like that?

But WHERE is God?!

Do you know that ayah that you see on every wedding card? ‘And We created you in pairs’ (Quran – 78:8) Full disclosure, I was either annoyed or sad when I used to see that, to the point where my parents would just hide wedding cards. “OH really”, I’d think sarcastically, “He created us in pairs? Then what happened to me?” My pair was usually just a book at bedtime.

When God saw me suffer, all I said was, “I can’t take anymore, why isn’t He helping me? Why is He just watching me fall apart, time and time again?” 

Allah was helping me. He’s always helping me. I never doubted that He was there, I just questioned what His plan was for me. To be honest, sometimes I still don’t know. 

All I know is that God’s plan for each of us is magnificent, even if we don’t completely understand it. It took a really, really long time to heal from divorce (and lots of therapy and Haagen Daaz bars). Seriously. Go to therapy. It’s a game-changer.

We don’t know why we go through what we do. Why does someone have a healthy child when you don’t? Why do you have 2 healthy parents, but others have lost one or both at a much younger age?  Why is that person born into a family full of so many people, but you’re an only child? These ‘whys’ are endless, and they will drive you mad if you go down that path.

What’s the point in asking them – where will it get you? God gives and takes away at His will. He is watching over you, just as He was watching on the day of Ashura, where our role models faced challenges that we couldn’t even imagine. Don’t ever doubt that Allah has given you everything you need to make it through every test you face. 

The wound is where the light enters you.

Rumi

Punishment or Test?

Okay, so did I do something to deserve this? I would sit, mindlessly scrolling the Gram, and think, “I see many people who are doing this, that and the other, and they’re living a charmed life.” CHARMED.

Guess what. If it was as easy as following all the Islamic rules, how do we explain Ashura? How do we explain the injustices faced by the daughter of the prophet, Sayyida Fatima (AS)?

That’s not how life works, and it stinks. I’m sorry. Doing the right thing is its own reward. We can’t go to the mosque, year after year, listen to the trials faced by the Ahlul Bayt, only to come back to our own lives and think we deserve so much better, can we?

Comparisons – the evil mind game

Social media has some amazing parts, but it can be an absolute wrecking ball on your mental stability. If you’ve just crashed your brand new red car (a Maserati in my head), do you want to just see pictures of people getting red cars? Nope. Wishing you had what others have does not make you a bad person. It’s okay, sweet sister. It’s not that you don’t want them to have it – you just wish for it, as well. Going through social media while going through a tough time is like eating a fried chicken sandwich while on the treadmill. Not helpful. 

Take a step back, hold your heart close, and focus on yourself. The only competition you have the person you were yesterday. Go outside, take walks, call friends, volunteer, read – there’s so much waiting for you, and scrolling is not getting anywhere closer to your goals for yourself. 

It’s really hard – I won’t lie. When you hear news of someone getting engaged, having a baby, or anything else that you’d like, remind yourself of the following ayah:

Indeed, Allah is with the patient.

QURAN – 2:153

There’s no reason to question why others have what you don’t have, and what you desperately want. Stay in your lane; focus on all the infinite blessings God has given you; and don’t forget – many people are looking at you, wishing they have what you do. If you are grateful, He will give you more.

Self-Worth – financial, my body and my soul

One of the hardest parts of going through this was facing people again. Some people would point blank ask me, “I thought you had married and left Houston?”; “Why do you only have one child, don’t you guys want more?”; “Oh you moved back home, what happened?” PEOPLE. If you were supposed to know, you would have already known. They should stay in their own lane, too.

These questions at masjid left me quite hurt. I knew some people were asking just because they could. I started lowering my gaze, talking to my daughter to avoid others, looking at my phone, and walking quickly, just to miss any potentially awkward conversations.

At some point, I realized that how long was I going to hide? Did I commit some crime? Put shame on my parents? What kind of impression was I setting for my daughter?

There’s a quote I often recall, ‘Women are like teabags. You never know how strong they are until they’re in hot water.‘ Sometimes, the piping hot water is in any desi/Arab gathering (you know it as well as I do…). It’s okay if people don’t know better – be kind anyways. Have grace in your words and don’t explain anything. If they ask how you are, simply respond, “By the blessings of Allah, I am fine.”

Half the people either don’t really care or just want the gossip. If you feel the need to vent, cry, beg, or ask for something – do so before Salaat. Pour your heart out to God and leave the rest to Him.

Sufficient for me is the Provider, not the provided.

Dua after Salat al-Fajr.

How to heal from divorce – Gratitude

To heal from divorce is a bit of a mixed bag. While you may get to a point where you don’t want to throw the remote at the TV every time a wedding is on, you will get to a point where you won’t be as angry. You won’t always carry the hot coal of resentment. Your bitterness will fade once you start forgiving yourself. 

For those who tell you, “You should have known.” “I kind of knew when I met him/her.” “Why did you stay so long?” And of course, “Why have a child?” I can only advise you that once again, respond with grace, but be honest. Tell them to support you in your decision because that’s what you truly need right now.

In the end, whether you’re going through a divorce or have been through one… just be gentle with yourself. None of this is easy, and if someone tells you otherwise, that’s just one more person you don’t need in your life. 

God is great. And He is looking after you. 

With peace, love, and blessings,
Farhana

Related posts:

Why am I not married yet? The Toxic Judging of Single, Muslim Women
Self Love in Islam – How it leads us to God