For Muslim Women, finding ‘Mr. Right’ can be one of the greatest challenges that we will experience. After all, it is one of the biggest decisions that we will have to make in our lives. How do we know if we are making the right decision? How do we know if he is ‘husband material?’ Thankfully, we have a beautiful religion that is not just a set of rules to obey but rather a WAY OF LIFE. Islam has guidelines in this regard too. So, if you are currently searching for your ‘Mr. Right,’ keep reading to find out the 7 Qualities to Look for in a Potential Muslim Spouse.
There has not been created any institution in Islam which is more favored and dearer to Allah than marriage.
THE HOly prophet (SAW)
Whom can we marry?
One of the most important choices people will make during their lives is the decision of whom they will marry. We cannot choose our family, but we can choose who we want to make a family with. Allah has given us the freedom to marry whoever we wish, as long as it is in accordance with Islamic Law.
Searching for The One
Searching for ‘The One’ can seem like a long and daunting process. It can feel like an interview where you may have certain questions in your mind. This coupled with the questions your parents or family members may have, can almost take the entire charm out of finding a suitable spouse.
From personal experience and that of friends and family, I know that the process can be super awkward and uncomfortable. It will have you wondering why it can’t be as simple as it is in novels or movies, where you bump into someone in the hallway, he kneels to pick up your books and that’s it! You are in love, get married, and live happily ever after!
Marriage completes half of your religion
The Prophet (S) said, “One who marries, has already guarded half of his religion, therefore he should fear Allah for the other half.” 1
In Islam, marriage is sacred and a lifelong commitment. We are searching for the person who will complete half of our deen (religion) – that is saying something! Though we may be distracted by our emotions and hormones, or by societal pressure and social media, we need to remind ourselves to follow the advice Islam has laid out for us when it comes to the qualities to look for in a potential Muslim spouse. We should not be influenced by what society or culture may see as good qualities, rather look at those qualities that can help bring us closer to our creator.
And we created you in pairs
QURAN – 78:8
The ultimate goal of an Islamic marriage is to strive together in gaining nearness to Allah (swt). We have been created in pairs for a reason. If we find the true partner who completes half of our deen, that relationship would also continue in the hereafter, inshaAllah.
If you find yourself confused or in a difficult situation in knowing if someone is a good candidate or not, check out these 7 qualities to look for in a potential Muslim spouse; all of which are Islamic guidelines to help you decide.
7 Qualities to Look for in a Potential Muslim Spouse
1. Taqwa (Piety)
As always, the Qur’an and the Ahlul Bayt (a) are our best source of guidance for the qualities to look for in a potential Muslim spouse. Allah tells us in the Holy Qur’an:
They are a garment for you, and you are a garment for them.
QURAN – 2:187
When choosing a potential partner, we need to consider if they can fulfill the role of being ‘a garment’ in our lives. To realize what the best ‘garment’ for us is, reflect on the below ayah:
…the best clothing is righteousness. This is one of Allah’s bounties, so perhaps you will be mindful.
QURAN – 7:26
From this, we can clearly understand that the GREATEST quality to look for in a future partner is Taqwa. Taqwa is basically the ability to guard oneself against evil and to have God-consciousness.
‘The person who does not have religion, does not have anything.’2 If he is aware of his actions and has piety, if he has faith, he will be aware of how he treats you as a wife.
2. Good Manners
Someone with a good nature and good manners will naturally treat their partner well. The Holy Prophet has said: ‘If you find a boy whose Akhlaq (ethics/manners) is good and who follows the faith properly, give your daughter in marriage to him. If matches are made without considering the aspects of akhlaq and faith, it will cause mischief and disturbance in the Islamic society.’
The first measure of a man’s character is how he treats those around him. Observe how he is with others – does he treat his parents with respect? Note how he interacts with people of different age, race, or status – is he consistently kind and compassionate? Does he seem honest or does his body language convey otherwise? Watch out for any red flags which may point to a bad temper.
Imam Ridha (AS) wrote in reply to a person who had asked him if it was advisable to marry his daughter to a person known for his ill nature, “If he is ill-natured (bad tempered), don’t marry your daughter to him.” 3
3. Common Sense and Reason
Marriage has its ups and downs. It is important to have a partner who has a healthy mind and the ability to reason. He would be able to apply common sense and the teachings of the Quran and Sunnah to life situations, to deal with difficulties.
4. Physical Appearance
While chemistry and attraction are no doubt important, character precedes them both. A famous quote says: ‘Chemistry ignites the fire, but character keeps it burning.’ It is reasonable and important to marry someone who you are attracted to physically however, this should not be the overriding factor.
When you are attracted to someone’s heart, you also become attracted to their exterior. We shouldn’t be looking for someone who only looks good in photographs but doesn’t have the other qualities we should be looking for in a potential Muslim spouse. There should be a mutual attraction so that the partner should not try to seek it from others.
Making good looks the main criteria and neglecting the other values lays the institution of marriage upon a weak foundation.
5. Compatibility
This one is obvious but definitely an important quality to look for in a potential Muslim spouse. In order to have a good understanding between you and your spouse, there needs to be commonalities and compatibility. This does not mean marrying someone who shares the exact same interests, wants, and likes as you. Rather, there needs to be harmony in the following areas:
- Spiritual
- Educational
- Physical
- Familial
If conflicts do arise, there would be a basis to resolve them. Having a common purpose and goal, ensure that the couple can grow together and improve each other.
The Prophet stressed upon compatibility in marriage and mentioned that it is better for a religious woman who is committed to the laws and principles, to marry a man like herself.
An intelligent and wise woman must not be matched except with a sage and wise man.4
IMAM SADIQ (AS)
6. Financial Sense and Life Priorities
Finding a partner who has his priorities in check is essential. He should have a good financial sense and be able to provide for his household. This does not mean looking for a rich spouse in order to have a lavish lifestyle and be fully dependant on him. Rather, it means finding someone who is hard-working and has the potential and ability to provide for his family.
And marry those among you who are single… If they are poor, Allah will enrich them out of His bounty…
QURAN – 24:32
Establish whether a potential spouse is willing to make family life a priority and to adjust his career and social schedule to meet the responsibilities and needs of his family.
7. Marriage for the Right Reasons
A person should get married for the right reasons. This means that marriage should be looked at a means of completing half one’s deen as well as achieving peace of heart and mind. It should be about having a best friend, a soul mate to develop love and mercy for.
If you are hoping to get married due to family pressure, societal pressure, financial reasons, or other causes then the foundation of this marriage will be weak.
Take some time to ponder over the reasons WHY you want to get married. If you have the right niyyah (intention) and are sincere, inshaAllah your marriage will be a prosperous one.
Sometimes the qualities we look for in a potential Muslim spouse may be an extensive list – qualities that we ourselves may not have. Have we stopped to ask ourselves if we possess these wonderful qualities too? Check out my post on ‘Self Love’ where I share tips on how Self Love in Islam can help bring us closer to God.
When meeting a potential partner, remember to be honest and true to yourself! We should be who we are and not try to deceive them into trying to be someone we are not. These things can have serious ramifications if exposed in the future.
I hope you found this list useful! InshaAllah, Allah will assist you with your search and bless you with the one who will complete you.
Barak Allahu feeki! So important for young muslims.
I would also always have a list of 4 to 6 non-negotiables (like prayer – i.e. I can’t negotiate on this topic, if the partner does not pray five times a day) and one long list with important questions such as “Do you want children? If yes, how many?” or even “Do you mind if I work XY hours a week towards my goals?” to avoid disappointment after marriage 😊
Thank you sister Jana for your comment. Love your list of non-negotiables – I totally agree 🙂