Why am I not married yet? The Toxic Judging of Single, Muslim Women

The concept of delayed marriage or ‘expiry date’ of a woman is such a toxic yet deep-rooted stigma amongst women, particularly within the South-Asian and Middle Eastern communities. This toxic judging of single, Muslim women after a certain age, causes questions to start arising which leads her to ask – why am I not married yet?.

This post has been written by @iStudyCircle – a Hawza (Seminary School) Graduate, studying both in the UK & in Iran and is currently specializing in Islamic Family Law. Check out her Instagram page: @iStudyCircle for a deeper insight into Islam!

What do I mean when I say the ‘expiry date’ of a woman?

In the South-Asian, Middle Eastern, and other communities, there are still many with the belief that women have an ‘expiry date.’ Please do note that not all have this mindset, but it is still quite prevalent and an important issue that needs to be addressed.

Women are commonly known to be at a ‘marriageable age’ if they are in their 20s and mid-20s. Once they are passing the mid-20s – they are automatically categorized as a woman who is no longer at ‘marriageable age’ and therefore considered ‘expired’ in the discussion of marriage.

With this being a recurring stigma for decades amongst women, this has led many unmarried Muslim women to feel exhausted by this trial of patience in their search to complete half their deen. The constant judging of single, Muslim women has led to them questioning themselves, and ultimately their confidence – why am I not married yet?

Judging single, Muslim women – there is no written rule about the age to get married

Some say Islam has fixed the marriage age for boys at 15 years and that of girls at the age of nine years. This is not correct. Islam has not given any such order.¹

While many young people can find a spouse in their early years, no written rule mentions the perfect age-range to get married. Marriage can occur at any time in one’s life, even later in life as demonstrated by the Prophet.

Unlike 20 to 30 years ago, today we are surrounded by choice in everything that we do. We can connect with various people around the world in an instant. This has made the marriage process more difficult and needs to be re-assessed.

We are still expected to find a spouse with an old-fashioned mindset and settle down as soon as possible. Times have changed and we need to stop judging our single brothers and sisters by putting ‘expiry date’ labels on them as this goes against the teachings of Islam.

Everyone’s journey is different

No doubt seeing women posting photos of their ‘Aqd/Nikah‘ (marriage contract) all over social media ignites a sense of loneliness and losing hope. This is due to us subconsciously comparing ourselves to others, especially where we are in life.

Victims of this stigma should try to eradicate these thoughts for the sanity of their mental health. Replace them with more positive and productive thoughts such as I am where I need to be, and we all have different pathways to life. This is my journey.

Many of us forget the universal principle that applies to all of us – and that is, that we are all different. We have come into this world with our own unique and preordained destinies and Allah is the best of planners.

Remember, there is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing in you that makes you unworthy of marriage. Allah has created you and therefore, you are beautiful, unique, and perfect. So do not despair of Allah’s mercy and remain positive.

But focusing on the practicalities of marriage, have we really done enough?

There is an influx of fictional (and romanticized Islam) amongst single, Muslim women, stemming from the effects of Social Media, that we must solely focus on praying for the ‘special man’ in our lives. Of course, Du’a (praying/supplication) is an essential factor in not only gaining proximity to Allah (swt) but, in turn, gaining a pious spouse from Allah (swt) too. However, Du’a is not the sole means to getting married.

Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves.
QURAN – 13:11

This ayah explains that until we implement change and actually take steps towards a goal, we will remain stagnant and never progress. God will not aid a result to take place without witnessing the efforts of His believer first.

Social media has played a heavy role in influencing women to think that there is a pious man that will come their way in the midst of life’s chaos. However, Islam takes a very practical approach in that every person is responsible for their actions, and in turn – they work towards a (successful) result. With marriage, we must undertake practical steps towards finding a spouse through rightful means such as the following:

Through a scholar (As they have many contacts!)
Through a trustworthy family/friend (who sees the best in you so will search for the best for you too because many are filled with not wanting to see you succeed!)

Spiritual change is a pivotal point in our lives, and this is the key to finding a life partner that will guide you to God. Perhaps the reason why you may be reading this and wondering why you are not married yet is that God wants you to cultivate a spiritual light within yourself so that your match (that may also be working on himself) is complimenting alongside. This thought is often undervalued yet the Holy Qur’an mentions very clearly that:

Vile women are for vile men, and vile men are for vile women, and good women are for good men, and good men are for good women.
QURAN – 24:26

There is divine wisdom behind perceived ‘delays’

We live in a world where there is immense pressure on everyone, no matter what your age. We are all expected to achieve certain milestones as early as possible, from getting married in our early twenties, to having kids before a certain age. And then having that entire circle repeat again. Wanting our kids to get married as soon as possible so that we can become grandparents quickly. This self-made ‘race’ is becoming ridiculous, with expectations being set that we have created ourselves.

There can be many reasons for the ‘delay’ in getting married. It could be that we need to reach a certain level of maturity (physically/emotionally/intellectually) before we are fully ready. After all, we do not possess ‘ilm al-ghaib’ (knowledge of the unseen) and God only knows what is best for us.

Maybe we need that time to gain the maturity to know what to look for in the right person. In our younger years, we may not know what the goal of marriage in Islam is. With time, we realize what to look for in a future spouse (I have an in-depth post on this here).

It could be that you are focused on Islamic studies and helping the community, which pleases Allah. After marriage, it may be difficult to continue that, as, during those precious years of our youth, we can grasp more information. Later down the road, after being married, you will be grateful and appreciate those years spent gaining knowledge and building your faith and community as you may not have the time or energy you had before. It will have set you up and you would be able to apply that to your married life.